Bile Duct Diaries XIII

23 July, 2008


This is an important Diary entry………. because I went back to work, on a partial basis last week. I have been getting stronger every day and even though I have some post operation pains, they are nothing like they used to be. I have completed 12 chemotherapy sessions and have 6 to go. I should be all finished in mid-September. I am so looking forward to getting out from under the shadow of the predictable ‘achy’ feelings I get for a few days after each session. Also as the treatment accumulates there is a bit more of the sickness/nausea feeling thrown in.

So I rather sheepishly walked through the sliding doors at the Tavistock, feeling very disoriented for a few hours, but then after a few meetings and case discussions, things began to fall into their proper places, and it all seemed very familiar. That’s all it took, about 3 hours….pretty depressing. But it is such a relief to feel a bit normal again. I can see why this is an important part of the cure. I can feel myself slowly getting interested in the future and less interested in my physical state, so that has got to be a good sign. Recently there have been some wonderful social events that some of you have been a part of and Jane and I are now thinking about some kind of ‘post-chemotherapy’ trip to somewhere warm like Morocco.

There are a couple things I have been thinking about over the past few months. One is about the National Health Service, which I have worked for for 35 years but never experienced as an in-patient. I think it is a remarkable institution. I have seen how the NHS deals with overwhelming demands from a vast, diverse population, and I am very impressed by the level of professionalism and dedication I have witnessed. I think most of all I am impressed by the extraordinary, sometimes maddening, fairness of the whole system. When we are ill, we want to be first in the queue, and many times I have had to wait my turn while others who were in fact more needy were dealt with, whatever race, creed or social status, and it is impressive.

So feeling rather protective, I ask why the NHS is so thoroughly and continuously criticised. Of course it needs monitoring like any other institution, but I wonder if it represents at a societal level the reality that we can never get what we want when we want it. We have to live with our limitations, personal and social, and we don’t like it. And what more fundamental place to express this than toward the institution dealing with our life and death.

The other thing I have been struck by is what I suppose you would call the ‘cancer cliché’ that the illness presents us with opportunities to have different kinds of conversations, with different kinds of people. It really does happen and it is very special……reaching parts of us that ordinary conversations do not reach. It seems to be about valuing what is in front of us, knowing….really knowing… that it will be taken away sooner or later. As I write this, I can see it was part of my motivation for doing these diaries, so I hope I can keep these values alive as the normal world, thankfully, starts coming into view.

Jane finished her school term today so I think the summer will be a relaxing time for us from now on. I hope the same will be true for all of you.

Love,
David (and Jane)